Stop being a “Judger” and become a “Learner”, your relationships will be much better!

When you are faced with personal or organizational problems, do not look further than in the questions you ask yourself. According to Marilee Adams, author of the book “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life,” the kinds of questions we ask ourselves shape the way we deal with certain conflict situations.

According to the author, we approach the problems of interpersonal relationships or organizations according to a mental posture of “judger” or “learner”. This hypothesis is based on the fact that in the face of any situation that challenges us, the questions we ask ourselves move us either towards a direction of judgment or learning. The state of mind in which we place ourselves obviously has important implications for the quality and success of our relations.

Improve your relationships and avoid conflicts by changing your questions

What are the characteristics of these two states of mind? Consider whether these characteristics apply to your approach when faced with various situations.

The state of mind of the “Judger” often leads to behaviors and reactions of the critical and negative type, oriented on blame, intransigence, and rigidity, in reactive and automatic mode, closed, focused on the problem and in a protective approach.

Conversely, the “Learner” state of mind is rather oriented towards acceptance, in a thoughtful mode, showing appreciation and humility, openness, focused on the solution, assuming responsibility and in an approach of curiosity.

The relational approach of the “Judger” is that of the “win/lose” while for the “Learner” it is rather that of the “win/win”.

By transforming your questions, you pave the way for a more positive outcome of any situation, here are some examples:

  • When confronted with a complaint from a client about an erroneous transaction, the “Judger” will say “Who is to blame?” The “Learner” will say, “What happened?” or “What can we learn?”
  • In a conflict with a colleague, the “Judger” will say “No, but what’s wrong with her?” while the “Learner” will say ,”What does she think?” or “What does she want?”

Simply changing the perspective by asking ourselves the right questions allows us to see a situation in a different light and paves the way for de-escalation, thus creating more conducive conditions for conflict resolution or even defusing potential conflicts.

Double Impact Coaching relies heavily on the use of questions in order to clearly identify the issues facing a client. By choosing curiosity-oriented open-ended questions, our approach allows you to examine the context of a situation from all angles. This allows for an approach to problem solving with openness and confidence, conditions that greatly promote the identification of solutions and the achievement of objectives.